ke13nt

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 16:49:13 GMT

home is both fantastic and draining. At the house we have my parents, my sister and her husband, and their three kids: Tommy (9) Matthew (5ish) and Dannielle (2ish). Emily and I are sleeping in my old bedroom (now mom's sewing room) on a blow up air mattress. We have to lock the door all the time or tiny fingers will pry into my escape place. The noise is usually overwhelming but at least some times it's humorous. I woke up yesterday to my dad pseudo yelling at matthew, "what do you want for breakfast...what do you mean nothing!" my dad is inadvertently one of the funniest people I know. I've been staying up really late and sleeping in so I can avoid chaos as much as possible. Consequently I haven't gotten very much done on my MP. I did however play Wii with tommy yesterday for like 2 1/2 hours. He made pro on bowling ( I have no reason to be excited about that but he was so pumped that I was full out encouraging him: "no worries bro, you only left two. You can totally pick that up." It sounds like mom is near the end of her rope today. I should go help her out. I bought Tommy Hugo Cabret. I really hope he likes it. and away I go

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 05:30:49 GMT

oh sweet monkey flipping jebus of nottingham what I'm I suppose to do?

-family is a pretty amazing line on your resume--"what's this, you say you have a loving and competent family structure that supports and encourages you? Well shit son you got the job!"

oh brain we've done it again. Thanks for making me feel better and for keeping me breathing.

-stupid robert frank.

-stupid me for blaming it on poor old helpless Robert Frank, Robbie, the robster..bro-bert.

natty light sucks balls...stupid remodeling of Dillons (misplaced aggression tag # 1).

stupid fucking incomprehensible "isms" If nobody knows what you are, why do we bother trying to name you? (completely understandable aggression tag # 1)

I'm cool, I'm cool.

"dusk till dawn" I thought you would cheer me up. maybe a comedy would have been a better choice in retrospect.

I hate you Dusk Till dawn" (misplaced aggression tag # 2).

i joke about being alright but I might really be in a desert at that moment between the hypothermia temperatures of night and the life sucking heat of a noon day sun. It's a little uncomfortable and sort of beautiful and I'm not sure exactly why I'm here or where I'm going and me and my brain are average level smart...we know the fucking day is coming. If that doesn't do the trick, thanks again arctic night for stepping up to the plate and taking one for the team.

focus you asshole, fooo-ccussss. final on Thursday.

you need to american airlines the shit out of that exam. what's that? oh it's a poker reference. American Airlines refers to the A and the A which are representative of MOTHER FUCKING ACES! I'm gonna ace the shit out of that pooper.

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 18:14:29 GMT

1213_

Today I am hungover.

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 18:29:54 GMT

1214 and i'm just finishing up breakfast. Despite the shit performance I've put in over the last two weeks or so, I feel lighter knowing I've finished the two looming papers of the semester. Although today i feel a bit...sluggish I suppose, I'm still amazed nothing is knocking on my skull: "hey hello ass hole, you locked us in" whatever. My pseudo plan for today is read some of my old sources on Robert Frank. After having put that bad boy off for (too long) a short bit, it's time to get back up on the saddle (i hate cowboy euphemisms), strap in for the long haul, and when the going gets too tough I'll just bite down on this here knot of wood and push on through. WHAT THE FUCK!

the truth is grad school would be the prairie savy cowboy and me...I'm more like the cow being escorted across some vast unknown only to be butchered and eaten at the end of the journey. This is my ode to grad school, and my plea, if ever a plea could ring out into the emptiness of cyberspace and make a difference: please don't eat me grad school.

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 17:08:52 GMT

well here I sit, in the front room. Emily is packing her bag in preparation for productivity while Zach's visiting friend sits on the couch reading one of our (Zach's) non-academic book. Also, today is thanksgiving and I'm trying to work up the muster to write my paper on Hugo Cabret. I figure writing here might be like pre-gaming for writers. Maybe I'll find a happy medium of inspiration without inhibition. Also, I need to make deviled eggs. I boiled a dozen last night so today is just the filling. Ohhhh delicious food. I don't know if the timing will work out at all, we might have like three or four separate groups of people show up when they believe thanks giving should happen. That could be amazing--the neverending stream of food--or it could be counter productive and awkward--hosting one party is difficult enough. Also, homemade coffee is for the weak! also homemade coffee is the weak. Here I go, off to write about the amazing Selznick and his horribly deceptive novel The Invention of Hugo Cabret.

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 06:28:57 GMT

I kind of suck at a lot of things in life but somehow that's not meant to be a downward spiraling steve splashing into a fucking mountain or some such shit. I think I'm some what coming to terms with my inabilities. Sort of like "working the problem" as I've heard the cool kids say. it's dark in my room. emily's sleeping right next to me. it's raining out. I love the sound of rain. Actually I just love the sound of rain when it hits other things. Rain doesn't have a sound. But I don't love other things like windows or roofs unless the rain is playing them. The world is a silent instrument. A void that when full of purpose and intent, is only damned and "postponed" because of the weather. can you imagine being a world class musician but every time you touched your instrument the world just sighed, painfully, depressingly. My life is sort of like if I were the rain, trying to play the world. Some times I know I'm good at what I do but most of the time what I really just want is acknowledgment without strings. I'm going to bed. in two days (one now actually) I turn 28. I have no idea how to play that instrument...

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 07:16:06 GMT

I'm moving tomorrow. Actually today. I haven't packed. Never thought I would feel nostalgic for the hobbit hole: the shared air conditioning, the dismal lighting, the front door key that won't turn unless you pull on the handle. I never thought I would miss the carpeted kitchen, the mildew corner, the leaking windows, the bathroom sink--I don't want to talk about it--. I've made memories going up and down three flights of stairs for a year now. the best place to be on the fourth of july is the top floor, with a panoramic explosion across the entire horizon. Oh god, the construction last fall was surreal and this spring they took out the crossway bridge for a week and left us with a boarded up hole. I kind of really hate this place. And I kind of really love it at the same time. I feel like I understand the hobbit hole, like I'm on the inside of some secret for having lived through it and once I leave I'll remember how bright the sun can be. but I'll also remember how safe it is to be tucked away from the world. I won't go so far as to say there's a magic to this experience because that is not only cliche and vomit inducing, but (vomit aside) that would be a misnomer. For me, apartment 307a has been two coins and a lifting but ever present fog. I usually start really thinking about a thing after it's gone. Maybe I won't do that any more.

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 03:53:27 GMT

well the glorious summer days of cat sitting Jack have come to an end. I think he knew we were leaving too. Remember this is a fairly stout animal who somewhat reluctantly befriended us--I garner more out of necessity than earnest intent--yet tonight he chose to sit in both our laps and bath in our outpouring affection. alas, I will miss Jack and the house of two artists, the beautiful porch view, the cable tv. On another note, I've decided to accept one studio with PILOTS, a small but still surprisingly intimidating two hour a week commitment. Never would I have believed two hours would be worth such contemplation. The summer is closing and the time away from kansas is rolling in like a swift atlantic wave. Sweet reprieve, I hear your beckon. I'm excited to see what a family atmosphere does for me: will I be rejuvenated or depleted...does it even matter?

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 07:40:53 GMT

short and simple:
-I might have turned down the PILOTS job indirectly. Yet to hear back from Melissa.
-really digging this new book on Robert Frank every time I read it but still seem to be forcing myself to read.
-helping Emily set up a show today of grad work down town at at the MAC.
-went to the bank...got the withdraw slip wrong, got the date wrong, looked like an idiot in front of the nice lady. I played it cool.
-bought a coffee and the nameless undergrad complimented my red and white cap. Still on my cool high I responded, "which one am I wearing? Oh ya, it's old and dirty and ridiculously comfortable." They totally think I'm cool now.
-I watched a not so childhood movie I had all but forgotten, "Cloak and Dagger." usually the past is only stomach-able in the form of nostalgia but this somehow worked on a dual level that I haven't figured out yet.
-ridiculously fucking tired now.
-oh ya, been house sitting the coolest cat (slash) house with Emily that I've met in a long time. Also, I've totally been drinking their alcohol that was offered. I won't lie, there's something spy-ish involved when you're in a strangers home drinking their shit and watching their animal. Maybe that's why I liked Cloak and Dagger?
-Jack Black signing off...-

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 20:24:17 GMT

latest crazy thing to happen in my life. I can barely function on a day to day basis but for some reason I believe the best solution is more and more work. Tentative crazy for next semester. on top of the regular two class load, I'm taking a seminar on Benjamin, teaching one course of expos., working in the writing center, and I just got an email from Melissa saying that she did some leg work and got the permission of the department to allow gta's to work for PILOTS. She offered me a four hour a week gig working with the same three students on a regular basis. I already replied saying I wanted the job, but i haven't sent the email yet. What the hell! On top of all this crazy (which might not seem bad but I know it will get intense at times because lets face it, I pretend to be all in control and organized and what not but the truth is I'm a last minute mess)I have to figure out my writing project. Possible other crazy additions yet to be realized: two of my committee members will be in the Benjamin course and I might be considering teaching a fiction to film class in the spring which means I will also have to observe this fall. another class! I don't know if I should do this pilots thing but I know it will fluff my resume a bit. I can't wait to be sitting on the beach, eating some good ol' home cooking and putting Manhattan as far out of my mind as possible.

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 06:09:59 GMT

what to discuss today. Like Momma P, I do not feel as though I can write for shit right now. I'm so sick of being so sick of the summer. Enough fucking boo hoo already. I have had some pretty serious and fucked up shit happen to some of the people I love the most in this world and I can't seem to figure out that my issues are self imposed stupidity. I started to write an abstract for the conference. I have about a page actually which is all they wanted except the more I thought about it the less I knew what to say. I'm confident the subject matter is paper worthy material but for some reason I felt rushed and inadequately prepared. Maybe in the future I'll write this paper but for now it's almost as if I like the levity of the idea more than the work needed to substantiate it. I get heavy and buried under the granite slab that is academia. More accurately, I feel the weight of expectations that I don't have the ability right now to overcome. Now for something completely different. I learned a valuable lesson about facebook. Do not plan an event unless you have spoken with the people whom you intend to invite. Although Ho Down at the hobbit hole was less than successful I had a great time and I'm grateful actually that more people couldn't make it. I severely misjudged the size of my apartment and the three extra people felt cozy but almost at capacity. I really need to disappear like a gazelle into the wild for 2 days and roam about half naked, hungry and confused. Maybe find some kind of animal spirit to guide me. I could ramble about nonsense for a long time this evening it seems. I don't feel like watching any more netflix or playing any more games; I don't feel like reading and I'm not sure I'm ready to sleep yet. What i wouldn't give for a dream serious right now though. To have this continuation from night to night. I've had it happen before but I was deep into the philosophy of the dream world at the time ( or at least in my own head I was...again an idea with research behind it). tomorrow I'm gonna read benjamin, all day if I have to. I'm leaving now. Emily's birthday is the 29th of this month.

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 14:54:22 GMT

for those of you who have expressed concern, I feel entirely less emo today. God my life is a mess without some kind of a schedule. Goal number one: (scribbled drunkenly on the frig white board) figure life out! Also to take this reference to a crazy place: watch out for zombies! that's all. Hung out with some amazing animals yesterday. I think i made some friends. I watched a giraffe trying to eat the same green mess for like twenty minutes. Also I only had two hours sleep the night before so that twenty minute chunk of change might have actually been like ten at the most but who knows and whatever.

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 20:51:54 GMT

another day another chance to reclaim a life once glimpsed through a childhood window. Time, that relentless bastard, keeps pushing and it seems a life time of winter frost has clouded my horizon. I spend so much time inside this house; this little unresolved dwelling, poorly lit by candles and fantasy. I'd like to see outside again. I'd like to go outside but I don't trust the door. there are so many locks and I don't have the right keys. I had a vision of a man walking across a ceaseless desert and whenever he started to go crazy; internalize reality instead of interact with it, he would just listen to the ring of keys hooked to his waist. The methodical clang of metal with each passing step would remind him he was walking, that the world was still moving and he was alive somewhere.

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 10:43:39 GMT

the contextuality of sexuality is a game of reason. That is to say I've had a thought roaming in my head for a bit tonight. The subject is establishing a context and the content is sexuality. Bare with me, this is a thought in progress. Establishing context is often determined by situational norms of conduct. Case in point, the nude figure in a figure drawing class. Here sexuality is mute under the pretense of being didactic. Change the context, say an adult movie star, and the body transforms into an inherently sexualized object. This is all well established but what happens to the framework of sexual understanding when the parameters are less clearly defined. that is to say as an example. How should we react to an adult movie star who is the figure in a scholastic drawing environment. Does his or her sexuality override the socially and environmentally agreed upon context. Can the adult movie star still be look at as a learning tool or does his/her relationship to a sexually charged environment influence the manner in which the body is presented? observed? How about an individual normally the model in a figure drawing class who is now placed on stage at a strip club. Do we react differently to the body knowing the circumstances? Do we feel sorry for this person because he/she is not accustomed to performing their sexuality in front of an audience. (assuming they didn't choose to be on stage but rather they were dropped there by some super natural force). Obviously for the individual there is an element of choice in each context but our response is in part directly influenced by the individual's handling of the body in that particular situation. that is to say there is a skill set and knowledge for each context from which our social norms are derived. Without proper understanding of the role the body must fulfill, the masses will not know how to interpret the situation. the end result is that a sexualized situation may lose its potency or that a latent, didactic situation may become sexually charged. In other words, knowledge determines sexual intent. Any thoughts?

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 05:54:42 GMT

I wear headphones.
I watch my screen more than I see the sky
I drink...rum if available
I live at night and hate the vulgar heat of the sun
I see the same stupid advertisements over and over
my life is one fucked up dream after another and when i awake...
nothing to recall but figments of a drunken allusion
what happened
what's happening
what strings tie me here...why do i tie myself...why do I limit my existence and ponder alternatives
nothing can be so different as to eliminate the reality of an isolated identity.

for those in my world, for those who live as i do... i offer my apologies, my condolences, my allegiance. I can not stand alone. I've tried, yet in my defense, I'm drunk again... rum thankfully.

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 06:22:25 GMT

i hear good things about the world, good things I say. I decided a while ago and just recently remembered that I'm suppose to always be on a quest of sorts. You know, growth and knowledge and warm fuzzy yellow light on a red flower. Oddly enough confronting the upstairs neighbors and their own personal quest to become what I can only prescribe as mma fighters rekindled my own...hmmm...not sure, I'll have to think of a good word for this one. Here's what happened:
I flicked on my shoes, threw my newly cut hair into a short ponytail, and scuffed upstairs having finally reached my limit of loud thump thumping for the day. Their front door was open and I found myself standing in a makeshift gym that reeked of sweat caked raggs, unwashed... well everything, and quite possibly a litter box, but in all honesty it was hard to tell. Music blaring from a televion made talking difficult but they (mostly the main muscle head) welcomed me in and proceeded to say they were finishing up a burn-out. I watched in utter amazement. The shirtless, cut like diamonds, looking like a bad rendition of a hippi (white guy with dreads)meat-head lay down on the bench and began pumping the massive weight. After ten reps, two guys on either side of the bar took some of the weight off and hippi-head started again. As if the whole process wasn't daunting enough a fourth guy was punching the shit out of meat head's stomach while he was pressing the weight. I'm not sure I've ever seen anything so intense in real life and I know I'm not really doing it justice right now. The point is, what's-his-head was driven by some inner purpose; some larger goal and despite the obvious objections to their lifestyle and general state of existence that are too numerous to recount here, I was inexorably engrossed in that moment. I need some sense of inner purpose; a life quest.

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 01:10:24 GMT

day something or other...
I cut my hair today, several of them. I didn't actually cut them, some lady who works in the art department did. She's legit, it's a nice place on the other side of town called my salon, i believe. She patiently waited while i tried to explain i needed to still have the air of professionalism but that I'm too much of a lazy slob to take care of the mane I was growing. We listened to seal cover some old classics and frankly it wasn't as horrible as it sounds. For anyone who actually cares I cut off something like 4 inches (shrug...). I can still pull it back into a tail but I'm waiting until tomorrow to give my final verdict. The dry-curly-spring up factor. Otherwise I'm excited for dinner; Home made lasagna. This place is a little like a sweat box without close friends near by: bright, isolated, uncomfortable, and without escape. Some days are better than others. I really need to find a routine or something...that of course requires motivation and desire...which brings us back to me having little of that at the moment (visa vi my hair cut). tomorrow I will set my future in motion...fear is the mind killer!

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 06:32:33 GMT

my life to date. I will attempt to keep it short as I am sure to exaggerate as it is any ways. The day I was born the world exploded in a violent hell fire cast down from a vengeful god like figure. My subsequent reincarnation therefor took considerably longer considering there wasn't a planet on which to be re-born and the inanely long and exacerbating period of my none existent life spent standing in line waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel (except in reverse...not really recommended) has left me a fatalistic and all together short tempered and spiteful bit of an ass. My apologies. In other news, I have been reading The Arcades Project (what the fuck!!) unsuccessfully i might add and slightly more successfully, I have also been reading Dune. The latter an impulse purchase that has amounted to possibly my best decision of the summer to date. some discoveries so far:
1. sleeping ten plus hours gives me ample opportunity to improve the quality of my dreams...two of which subsequently have included me giving nathan advice on how to improve his confidence (shrug)
2. bouncing a tiny blue rubber ball off of a brick wall is in fact exercise
3. running stairs only looks cool
4. netflix is simply a new face for evil...
5. I suck at riding horses
6. stupid fucking masters project

also I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. I haven't decided if I'm simply getting a much needed trim...a few inch make over (sexy) or lobbing most of it off ( new me!...) I'm trying to improve my communication skills and get more involved with people but it's a struggle because most of the time I simply don't want to. I might however be disk golfing with Josh fairly soon. That should be a nice reprieve.

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 04:40:34 GMT

the other day I started a duo-drunk post that upon re-visitation is a wonderful success of just the right amount of crazy and moody. Spices can be tricky...a little too much crazy and the whole lot goes to shit but without a hint of moody it doesn't matter if you put the whole damn bottle of crazy in...the flavor is just gonna be shit. Therefor I suggest this be a lesson (slash) recipe for all those who would rather dabble in the concoctions of their own doing and per-chance create a wonderfully aromatic future for themselves then sit around and wait for life to spice itself up. Again, the two most important ingredients are crazy and moody. Learn to understand their intricacies and whether you are sullen over blue grass and locals or just sick of pretending to be smart...crazy and moody will get you through the day. Also, the rumor is true, Heath Ledger has been reincarnated has a blue grass, fiddle playing, hippie-pirate. Why would I make that up.

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 04:17:38 GMT

Today began with a bang! You should have seen it. I mean, the sun rose and the world exploded into a brilliant symphony of movement and glory unlike the world has ever witnessed before. Then... the Mongols took over! Good thing those ass holes have decent grub. BUT I'm nervous because the day has progressed into a cohesive narrative and I'm more of a spur of the moment , spastic, googly googly kind of person. It feels as though I have two voices dictating my every thought. One...and then he let me type in his livejournal. So nice. Two...and as the sun sets on our hero, who finally has realized a sense of true power and glory behind the depths and reach of an imaginary existence, the world finds itself snuggling against the familiar warmth of a loved body...somebody...maybe you. Until next time faithful fans.

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 15:00:24 GMT

now I realize I'm probably behind the times a bit here but...
what the crap! Seriously? How did I not know about this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30JrbiGk4ZY

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 03:21:37 GMT

Day two: at least in a row. I spent most of the day today in the Library, attempting to grade and get some of my own work done.

I also watched a group of guys playing soccer...they probably think I'm the weird one that just sits in an abandoned auditorium where the seats have been ripped out and nothing happens but pick up games.

I also got a job application from the local theater. I walked in, trying to be professional with my semi rehearsed lines and I sort of bombed it. A girl named sopa (maybe?) talked to me and I said to her: "I know you aren't going to be able to hire me...I know this because I've worked in the theater business for over 5 years." She-in a very awkward manner- then told me how tight things are now and how they're currently over staffed but people leave all the time. I've given that same line to so many people but alas. Nothing to do but hand the application in.

I also made some chicken vegetable soup..it's still cooking actually. I would have forgotten it was still cooking but Emily reminded me. I used chicken broth and a can of vegetable soup and some cooked and seasoned chicken and a butt load of diced up fresh vegetables. I don't think I seasoned the whole thing very much though so despite the effort, it will most likely be pretty bland without additional reinforcements.

I also watched the latest episode of Dolhouse. I'm convinced there is at least one paper I could get out of this show but I'm more than willing to talk about it with anybody else. To be honest, I doubt I'll write a paper, it's just an amusing game so I can make pretend I'm part of academia.

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 02:41:16 GMT

this week has involved much alcohol and little work and yet somehow I seem baffled by the concept that I'm now behind and have wasted my time. Am I still the dumb teenager who insists on doing nothing and then is disappointed when nothing fruitful comes of it. Yet again, here I sit with my good friend Mr. Adams (of the Boston Ale variety) and again I feel ridiculous trying to keep an online journal. I'm a creature of comfort and habit, with at times, moments of pure unadulterated genius. This is not one of those times nor has it been for quite some time. I love the freedom of insight and the moment when a brand new idea flashes brilliant, blinding, just before exploding into a million little pieces ( not a literary reference ). Lately all I want to do is play as many versions of tower defense games as I can and watch a rotating line up of 4 primary shows and a slue of alternative back ups just in case. Actually, I have been watching a new show called the Dollhouse. Aside from the fact that it is horrible and ridiculous, I can't help but find cultural significance in the very premise of the show. In short: the show is essentially like My Own Worst Enemy (if you ever saw that), where individuals live dual existences: one as a lifeless, soulless, shell and the other as whatever identity they are implanted with. They are the gorgeous, walking, talking cyborgs of the future. Although a glorified version of a very expensive courtesan, the main "dolls" can be any personality and what's more, their physical senses can be manipulated as well ( i.e. they can be made to believe they are near sighted and have allergies, or that they are blind altogether). * I realize allergies aren't a sense but Sam insisted I write it in. Who can resist such a born leader...so gifted with his words. Whatever, I'm rambling slightly and done talking about the show for now. I really hope I find inspiration and maybe next time I'll just hold onto it. On a side note, I did enjoy meeting friends and family over this break. Life has been deceptively calm.

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 04:54:07 GMT

just kidding about that yahoo site. I fucking hate yahoo.

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 04:30:27 GMT

http://www.geocities.com/kentwest13

a work in progress